I liked festivals, when I was 25. Spending a long weekend wasted was cool back then but nowadays the recovery period is far too elongated. The only time I’ll go to festivals now is if I’m working and so that’s how I ended up at T–in the Park in Scotland.

A mate of mine has a stall selling festival hats and t-shirts etc and needed me along to drive and look after the stall.

“Who’s playing,� he said.
“Yeah, I was gonna ask you who was playing.�
�No, Who’s playing!� he said.
“I dunno, I was asking you!� I replied.
“Forget it!� he said.

After spending 11 hours driving up there, three days setting up the stall and two days dragging pissed up Scots back onto the stall to pay for their “goods,� I was knackered. However, I was looking forward to the last act of the last day and had booked the time off. Bring on the Who!

I regrettably missed the Chillies, Arctic Monkeys and the Zutons, all of whom bust out great sets which could be heard from our pitch between the two main stages. In retrospect, I wish I had got down there. The Who however are one of those bands you have to say you have seen, it’s like “Yeah, I’ve seen Buckingham Palace, I’ve seen England play at Wembley and I’ve seen the Who.� Job done.

By the time I got there the main stage was packed. I tried to make my way a bit closer, but even the back of the crowd was packed out with certainly the biggest crowd of the whole festival. The TV footage apparently showed members of all of the other bands who had stayed back to see the Who. These guys are truly legends, especially the dead ones.

It soon became clear why I don’t like watching bands at festivals or indeed stadium rock.

I had “pissed up twat falling all over me.�

I had “cigarette burn to the back of my neck� from dick head behind me.

“Vomiting fuckwit� was fun too, as was “Oi! You’re in my way I can’t see.�

THERE’S 35,000 PEOPLE HERE AND YOU’RE 5 FOOT 2. OF COURSE YOU CAN’T SEE! PISS OFF!

However, the highlight was the bottle of warm amber liquid that landed on the lass next to me. Thankfully I only suffered minor splash-age.

Oh, yeah, sorry. The Who were playing, weren’t they. I was up for a great time, I really was. “Can’t Explain� started the set well and got people moving slightly. By the time “Won’t Get Fooled Again� was underway I was screaming at the top of my voice and caught myself doing that “fist in the air� stadium rock thing. What was I doing???!!!! Any attempts to dance were met with a disapproving look from those next to me in the crowd. They were gonna hate it when I started to spin my air guitar arm Townsend-style! Liven up for fuck sake!

After that things went downhill. Yeah, they banged out the classics – “Who Are You?�, “Pinball Wizard,� “Substitute,� and “My Generation� all got air-time and were ace live. These guys are good! Even the replacements such as Townsend’s son Simon seemed to gel seamlessly. The performances, though, were slightly diluted by how they dragged out each decent song with a 15 minute reprise. Sorry, but this just leaves me standing.

While the guy in front of me jumped up and down with his rucksack clocking me under the chin I felt it was time for me to leave. Yeah, The Who are damn good, I don’t think that they were the reason I was left frustrated. I just don’t think I’m made for this festival/stadium rock thing. Like it says in my profile, if there are 35,000 people there then it’s probably not gonna blow my skirt up. I think I would have enjoyed this gig more from the back, dancing on my own like a loon. The songs built me up but there was no vent, no chance to let loose. Gimme a small venue any day. At least you don’t get pissed up Scottish chav women squatting down next to you to take a piss. Please!